Week 136: New End In Sight


* New end for Moby Dick: Captain Ahab maneuvers a pressurized oxygen canister into the whale's mouth, and then harpoons it, setting off a tremendous explosion and blowing the whale to smithereens.

* New end for Death of a Salesman: No longer appreciated as a shoe salesman, octogenarian Willie Loman finds a second career selling illegal nuclear devices to the Iraqis.

* New end for Gone With the Wind: Stating that she'll "never go hungry again," Vivien Leigh grabs an AK-47, storms a McDonald's and makes off with a year's supply of Big Macs.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a West Virginia bathroom door knocker, in which you knock according to a code that reveals your degree of desperation ("Three Knocks: Hurry, Man, Hurry"). Now that Demi Moore has given a happier ending to "The Scarlet Letter," Mr. Romm suggests we come up with new endings to make other literary classics more suitable for Hollywood in the 1990s. Originals can be books, plays or even old movies to be updated. First-prize winner receives a magician's "Scoop Out Your Eye With a Soup Spoon" trick, a gift donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, who is, according to his letterhead, "America's Funniest Office Products Dealer." The apparatus is worth $ 30. 

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 136, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads thanks Kitty Thuermer of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads and officially gives Russ Beland of Springfield a credit, suitable for framing, for the Bob Packwood entry below. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 133, in which we asked you to come up with analogies.

* Fifth Runner-Up: Guilt is to innocence as O.J. Simpson is to Maggie Simpson. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

* Fourth Runner-Up: Ketchup is to vegetables as Ronald Reagan was to the presidency. (Elijah Tucker, 13, Kensington)

* Third Runner-Up: Estrogen is to testosterone as housewarming is to arson. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

* Second Runner-Up: Style Invitational is to Style as funny bone is to funny. (Leonard Greenberg, Sterling)

* First Runner-Up: Dole is to ol' as Newt is to ew. (Stephen Offutt, Arlington)

* And the winner of the framed poster featuring comparative-size drawings of animal wee-wees: A good joke is to its explanation as sex is to trying to have a baby. Get it? It takes all the fun out of it! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

* Honorable Mentions:

An Arkansan is to the White House as a washboard is to the National Symphony Orchestra. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Dogs are to cats as favorite uncles out on parole are to 10th-grade Latin teachers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Congressional Republicans are to the federal government as a lawn mower is to crabgrass. And daisies. And tulips. And . . . (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Madonna is to Marilyn as carob is to chocolate. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Gus Frerotte is to Heath Shuler as a $ 1.99 burger is to a $ 5 piece of sushi. (Steven King, Alexandria)

Bill Clinton is to Newt Gingrich as the Pillsbury Doughboy is to the Pillsbury Doughboy with fangs. (Ted Hudson, Alexandria)

Analogies are to non sequiturs as non sequiturs are to flashlights. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Giant is to Safeway as flat chests are to really nice hooters. (B. Packwood, Portland, Ore.)

Those big wads of cotton in the tops of medicine bottles are to aspirin what tofu is to Chinese food. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Lust is to love as an electrical fire in the basement is to a wood fire in the Franklin stove. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Balancing the budget is to Congress as Hobbes is to Calvin. (Roy Highberg, Bentonville)

As is to analogies as is to is to analogies. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Bob Dole is to humor as Pringles is to diversity. (Paul F. Krause, Fredericksburg)

The LAPD is to defense lawyers as Paul Mellon is to the National Gallery. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

"I'm outta" is to "here" as one shoe dropping is. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

George Washington is to the cherry tree as Jack Kevorkian is to the family tree. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

The Unabomber is to a good point as an appendix is to . . . uh, never mind. No relation there. No sirree. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Squirrel is to alarm clock as cable deregulation is to lower rates. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Bob Packwood is to an honored, respected lawmaker as Bob Packwood is to a real macho studmuffin. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

The Style Invitational is to subliminal messages as Honorable Mention is to Mike Connaghan. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

* And Last:

Style Invitational is to The Washington Post as two heads are to a calf. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Steve Offutt of Arlington is to the The Style Invitational as the Chicago Cubs are to the Stanley Cup. (Steve Offutt, Arlington)

A1 is to F2 as AA is to DTs (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Style Invitational is to poop jokes as cow is to pie. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Next Week: A Simple Clerihew Error